She | Kelly Lubbee

Truly. Madly. Deeply.

“I’ll be your dream, I’ll be your wish, I’ll be your fantasy.
I’ll be your hope, I’ll be your love, be everything that you need.
I’ll love you more with every breath, truly madly deeply do”
– Savage Garden

Ah, just starting the post on a light note with these sweet love song lyrics. Because who doesn’t want to be loved – truly, madly and deeply?

Last week I had the privilege of attending the Color Conference by Hillsong South Africa.
It actually all of a sudden became quite an inconvenient time to go as Taylor fell ill and Lee was then needing a day off of work to watch her so I could go and we’d had a busy three weeks gone by. It didn’t feel like the right time but I couldn’t pass up the chance to go and experience whatever I needed to.
It’s been a mad few weeks and I was not giving the best of myself in all spheres of my life. At one point in these weeks I had a total breakdown and flipped. It’s so unlike me but it made me come to a point where I realized I needed something to remind me to get up again. On the night of this moment, Lee scooped Taylor up off the floor and walked out to give me some space and I just sat on the bathroom floor weeping. God spoke so clearly to me about His jealous love for us through mine for my little girl. I wouldn’t want anyone but her. Exactly as she is. All her moments of misery and her truly joyful days. Her fierceness and her strong will. He reminded me that is how he feels for me. But I still had a moment where I snapped. It didn’t take long for me to realize where that came from and it was no one else causing it but me, not slowing down my own thoughts and taking stock. But God still felt jealous for me.

I was probably most expectant for the worship moments at the Color Conference. I felt excited about being able to worship God with such unity around me and to hear the ‘roar’ of women singing in harmony. It was so impactful but there were two moments that made all the difference to me that week.
One of the songs we sang had the lyrics “God is madly in love with you” as you sung out the chorus. Each time we sang it though I couldn’t muster up the belief to sing those words and so I shut off but with tears filling my eyes at how badly I wanted to sing them. I have a firm conviction of what I sing as I don’t feel OK singing something I don’t agree with or believe. Words are powerful when spoken out loud and they have the power to heal or break. I knew these words, once sung out loud with my very own voice, would break me but in the way I needed to. But I couldn’t do it. I just didn’t feel like that was my truth after the season I’d been through.

In another song on Day 2 of the Conference we sang a song where a line went. “You love me as You find me”. It was one of those songs where when you get to this line, you sing it a few times over. Like it has to sink in or make a mark. Well, as I did, a replay of the past few weeks where I felt like a failure and felt unlovable during various moments where I wasn’t ‘good enough’ came to my mind. I found Him saying “Yup, I loved you there”, “Yes, even in that moment”, “Especially then when you needed it”, “Always there in those moments” as I remembered the exact scenes, the exact conditions of my heart and thoughts. This was a breaking moment. I came totally undone and let this sink in to my hurt heart. I needed to know this truth. I needed to feel this love.

The amazing joy and victory is as we rounded off the whole Conference we went back to the other song and I could finally declare the words bold and true… “God is madly in love with you.” Because He is.

People might point out that these lines that I clung to and found freedom in aren’t scripture and yes, they’re not directly. But they’re the Gospel. They’re the truth of our salvation. That when we were at our worst, God still loved us as He found us and was so madly in love with us that He chose to sacrifice His son for us so that we would find life again and get up off of the bathroom floor from our weakness and tears. It’s not worth staying there and feeling hopeless. It’s way more worth it joining those who feel loved and singing the song in unison as you walk out your faith in Him.

I am linking the two songs below and pray that if you feel led to listen to them, that you would let the words soak into your sore heart and let God bring healing to you. And most importantly would you let Him love you. Where you are.

GOOD GRACE:

AS YOU FIND ME:

*Photo by Sovrin Photography (Jeffrey’s Bay)